A FEW THOUGHTS ON LEARNING HOW TO BE “SINGLE” AFTER A LONG MARRIAGE

How do you start living single after you’ve been married for over half your life?

I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. But I have no clue as to what the rules are in my new situation.

As a practicing Christian I take the vow I made to stay married “until death” seriously. People seem to interpret that rule differently; I’m still not sure of what I should do.

If I were to decide that divorce cancels the obligation to stay married for life, I need to remember that I have not dated for almost 40 years. What’s changed? Is internet dating a viable option? I don’t think sock hops or bar hopping are ways to meet that special person in my “golden years.” What about manners? Can I still hold the door open on a date, or is that demeaning? If I pay, will that break any of the new social norms? Can I tell her she’s beautiful, can I compliment her attire, is it acceptable to pull her chair out?

Sheeesh! Maybe I should try to find a place near water and just fish all day!

What about grocery shopping? My ex-wife did almost all of the shopping when we were together. Do you know how much the cost of bread has increased in the last 40 years? Is ordering online worth it? How much do they charge to deliver? What about ordering online and then going to the pick-up lane?

I recently went to the deli counter at the local supermarket. There was one worker waiting on one man. “This shouldn’t take too long,” I thought. Then I heard the worker ask the customer, “Do you want three of these then?” and she was holding up a quart container of potato salad. I reconciled that it was not going to go quickly and I pulled a number. I thought, “Perhaps that guy is shopping for the company picnic.”

Almost as soon as I had the number in my hand another gentleman walked directly to the number dispenser and pulled one. There was still the one woman waiting on that same man as three more men pulled numbers. I had been waiting for what seemed like ten minutes- probably less in reality- with ice cream and other items in the cart that were not doing well in the warm store, and probably should have been added to the cart towards the end of my trip instead of first. I thought about how smart it was to pull the number. I thought about how foolish it was to put the ice cream in the cart so early and my third thought was how times had changed with 6 men and no women in line at the deli counter.

Another worker came over to help out. I told her I needed 1/2 pound of ham, a 1/2 pound of beef and a 1/2 pound of cheese. She stared at me. After a long pause, she asked, “What kind of ham?” “Are there different kinds?” She rattled off several names, finally I recognized a name and picked it. I wasn’t sure if I recognized it from a recent news report detailing how people in some city were sick as a result of eating it, or if that’s the ham my mom used to make. I was under pressure with the other men behind me in line and I made the command decision I would have to (hopefully) live with.

Then came more questions. Thin, medium or thicker sliced? Spiced or regular? I’ve answered less questions when I testified at major trials!

I went through the same scenario for the beef and, even the cheese.

Well, I’m glad to announce that I had a ham sandwich when I got home from the store, and I feel fine today! I guess it was the kind of ham mom used to buy, not the one that wiped out a small town.

I never thought shopping was easy, but I didn’t realize how much knowledge was required. How do you buy bananas? Are some fruits supposed to be firm and some softer? Which is which….?

Buying presents for the grandchildren is another topic I never thought much about. That should be simple, right? Most of the stuff has recommended ages on the box, but it’s necessary to call the parents’ to confirm that the kid likes that character, game or toy; they are not allergic to the components. Mom and dad approve of the character- is he a fighter or is there something else about the show/character that might be distasteful to the parents?

We have made the world a lot more complicated than it was the first time I participated in “The Dating Game”. An apparent adversarial climate has developed between sexes, in some cases, that was never there before. When I was still working as a policeman and expecting to remain married, I felt sorry for the people who were dating in the 21rst century. Now, I could be among them!

How many of you are divorced? Was it a tough transition? Do you have any hints, or suggestions for my readers and me?

Thanks for reading to the end. Please comment, the social life you save may be my own!